I bin thinkin’
by Bruce Gillman
(With apologies to Mark Twain)
The other day I heard a fella on the radio. His name was Davis or Davies — somethin’ like that. He was on about this cosmology stuff, about the big bang and God and creation. He reckoned that there was a big bang and all the stuff blew out of somethin’ about the size of a marble and created all the stars and the galaxies.
Must’ve bin a real big fire-cracker, just like a nuke explosion. Nukes starts off with a little bit of stuff called uranium or plutonium you could put in a paper bag but when it goes off it makes a big bang and burns everythin’ up and makes a big cloud of fire and smoke. It’s a good idea not to be around when one of them nukes goes off.
So I suppose it must’ve bin somethin’ like that — only bigger — ’cause it created all the stars and galaxies — all the stuff in the universe. Wow!
But what I got thinkin’ about was before this-here big bang. Poor God must’ve bin awful lonely in the dark ’cause there was no light — that only cum along after the big bang so they say. And if all the stars and galaxies was compressed into somethin’ the size of a marble or maybe a potato, why didn’t it compress God too?. Seems strange to me.
Maybe it was like one of them black holes. That got me thinkin’ too. They say light gets trapped inside a black hole and cannot get out so you can’t see it. If you wuz walkin’ along you wouldn’t see it and just trip over it and maybe fall in. And if you fell in you’d become like spaghetti — all stretched out.
If all the light is trapped inside a black hole is it light inside like in a room with no windows but with the electricity switched on? Seems strange to me.
Well if God was inside one of them-there black holes and the light was on it might not have been so bad.
Some say this-here God was just like a man and others say God was really a woman. Well man goes with woman and if God was one without the other he wouldn’t have anyone to talk too about his plans. Some say God was black but Pauline Hanson wouldn’t like that, would she?
God wouldn’t have bin able to sit down before this big bang ’cause there weren’t any chairs, not even a rock or grass to sit on. And no bed to sleep in either. Seems pretty uncomfortable to me.
I wonder how he spent his time although some of them scientists reckon that the clock started to tick after this big bang so God wouldn’t have knowed how long he had bin around.
He couldn’t even do mathematics ’cause all them sciences cum along after the big bang — physics and geometry and music and stuff.
I reckon that God got very frustrated with no light and no-one to talk to and no-where to sit down and no music. I wonder what he had to eat? Pr’aps he got frustrated and that was why he made the big bang. I know what it is like when one gets frustrated. You want to yell or smash somethin’ up or go out and drive the car at high speed. It makes you feel good after.
Makin’ the big bang must have been pretty tricky. Pr’aps God just give this marble of stuff floatin’ around a big kick and it went off with this almighty bang. I dunno. Seems a bit queer to me.
He must hav’ bin pretty smart to have found that marble of stuff floatin’ around in space. But then these-here scientists reckon that there wasn’t any space either — it cum along after the big bang. If that’s right what was this marble of stuff doing and where did IT come from?
Pr’aps God just got a couple of handfuls of nothin’ and banged them together — out of frustration, of course. I bet he got a surprise when this nothin’ went off pop.
Anyway I’ve just bin thinkin’ about all this stuff. Seems a bit strange to me but them-there scientists are pretty smart fellas. Aren’t they?