The Guardian October 22, 2003

Mr Potato Head deals the dirt on terrorism

From Our Correspondents

"My future fellow Americans. Here in the land of Oz I want to 
insure yu that your sovereignty is safe in our hands from the 
terrism and evil henchfolk." So began US President Petroleum G 
Gusher's prayer meeting in the Australian Parliament during his 
visit last week. He continued by thanking Prime Minister Lon 
Coward for his support for committing Australia to America's 
endless war plans.

"I know Lon's creed is in line with mine  no sacrifice is too 
big, no profit is too much", said a grinning Mr Gusher turning to 
the Prime Minister with open arms. "Come here squirt."

Mr Coward was visibly moved, blushing and saying "Oh, gosh Pet", 
as Mr Gusher playfully took him in a headlock and rapped his 
knuckles on the PM's bald pate. "God is on our side", cried Mr 
Gusher. "Not their God, but our God."

Mr Coward concurred, waving his arms in the air and swaying with 
his eyes closed in ecstasy, chanting, "Ye and verily, our God is 
a good God, our God is a vengeful God. Our God is for the 
powerful over the weak, for if he had meant the weak to have 
rights he would have made them major shareholders of 
transnational corporations."

After the final hymn Mr Gusher thanked the Laboured opposition 
for their attendance. "I notice some of you have attitude", he 
said referring to the various positions of official protocol 
assumed by Laboured MPs: Laboured Leader Hyman Spleen down on one 
knee in the yielding position; his shadow treasurer Bark 
Loathsome standing behind holding a sign with "CHOOSE ME" and a 
phone number on it.

Following the pray meeting Mr Spleen told the media outside  
where demonstrators against Mr Gusher had been democratically 
allowed to protest 20 kilometres away on the outskirts of the 
national capital  that protocol meant nobody was really opposed 
to Mr Gusher's visit. Asked about the millions of people who had 
marched against Australia's involvement in the war, Mr Spleen 
said, "They're obviously a bunch of nobodies."

Meanwhile, during the course of their investigations our 
correspondents were contacted by a mystery whistleblower known 
only as Mr Potato Head, who arranged a meeting with them in the 
toilet block of Old Parliament House.

The informer, who appeared in a Mr Potato Head mask, told our 
correspondents he wanted to "give them the dirt" from "inside the 
corridors of power". His voice distorted by the mask, Mr Potato 
Head told how war on terrorism was an impossibility. "And they 
know it", he said proceeding to give a brief history.

"Terrorism is as old as politics, and that is quite old. 
Terrorism is not a people, a nation, a religion, a tribe, a 
political organisation or a movement. Terrorism is a political 
tactic. So Gusher, Coward and British Prime Minister Toby Blat 
say they are waging endless war on a tactic. But the result of 
this war so far is the invasion and occupation of two countries.

"The reasons given for these wars were the pursuit of terror 
suspect Balsamic Vinegar in Afghanistan, and claims of WMD 
(widespread mutual disgust) in Iraq aimed at the USA and its 
allies. Neither Balsamic Vinegar nor WMD have been found, 
although as a result of the wars there's plenty of WMD now, which 
of course increases the chances of terror attacks. People can 
thank Gusher, Coward and Blat for that."

At this point the sound of a flushing toilet caused Mr Potato 
Head to withdraw into the shadows cast by the urinals. "I will 
contact you again soon", he said exiting through a disused sewage 
pipe. "When I say 'from effluent, flowers grow', you will reply 
`polite patrons point Percy at the porcelain' and we will know it 
is us."

Elsewhere, all is not going well in the ruling Libel Party. 
Adding to the revelations of a bogus war on a tactic, are the 
ructions in the blue ribbon Libel seat of Moneysworth, where 
Libel president Merchant Bullbar is busy branch stacking with the 
objective of getting the numbers so as to buy his way into 
Parliament as the Moneysworth sitting member.

Our correspondents spoke to a number of people in the electorate. 
"I was coming out of the cinema in Double Pay when this bloke 
approached me", one of them said. "He was wearing a button on his 
shirt that said 'Ram Bullbar into Parliament'. He asked me to 
join the Libel Party, and I said 'I'm a Laboured member'. He said 
`It doesn't matter', so I said `I don't want to pay the $16 
membership', and he said 'We'll pay the $16 membership'."

Asked by our correspondents if he was branch stacking, Mr Bullbar 
claimed to be merely recruiting. "My philosophy  and I don't 
believe this cuts across the general thrust of Libel values  is 
that the Libel Party can't have enough rich, arrogant windbags 
trying to knock off the rich arrogant windbags in the 

"Look at me, a millionaire financier and ruthless opportunist 
with an unshakable belief in the principle that there are those 
who are born to rule. The problem with the current member for 
Moneysworth is he's been deluded into thinking that just because 
people voted for him in an election he has some sort of tenure.

"He's living in the last century. Ask any public servant or 
university academic and they'll tell you tenure has been replaced 
by the corporate ethos of the powerful killing and eating the 
weak  and sometimes their own young, if they happen to threaten 
profit margins or one's own personal wealth."

In addition there have been the revelations of a conflict of 
interest by the former Minister for the Privatisation of Telstra 
and the ABC, Dicky Dialtone. Mr Dialtone has blamed his mother 
for the pile of Telstra shares in the family trust, saying that 
she has kept him in the dark since he was a small boy.

"I did say that the privatisation of Telstra was for mums and 
dads. And, as all mothers are wont to do, her share market 
advisors, stockbrokers, accountants and investment portfolio 
consultants  completely without my knowledge  must have told 
her to buy them.

"You might well say that because it is a family trust and my 
money is in it too that it is ludicrous for me to claim that I 
didn't know.

"But let me tell you, one Christmas when I was a little boy I 
caught her taking the lollies out of my stocking and putting them 
in hers", he said indignantly. "I don't want to raise the 'candy 
from a baby' analogy, but I ask you, what kind of person takes 
candy from a baby?"

Back to index page