Mr Potato Head deals the dirt on terrorism
From Our Correspondents "My future fellow Americans. Here in the land of Oz I want to insure yu that your sovereignty is safe in our hands from the terrism and evil henchfolk." So began US President Petroleum G Gusher's prayer meeting in the Australian Parliament during his visit last week. He continued by thanking Prime Minister Lon Coward for his support for committing Australia to America's endless war plans. "I know Lon's creed is in line with mine — no sacrifice is too big, no profit is too much", said a grinning Mr Gusher turning to the Prime Minister with open arms. "Come here squirt." Mr Coward was visibly moved, blushing and saying "Oh, gosh Pet", as Mr Gusher playfully took him in a headlock and rapped his knuckles on the PM's bald pate. "God is on our side", cried Mr Gusher. "Not their God, but our God." Mr Coward concurred, waving his arms in the air and swaying with his eyes closed in ecstasy, chanting, "Ye and verily, our God is a good God, our God is a vengeful God. Our God is for the powerful over the weak, for if he had meant the weak to have rights he would have made them major shareholders of transnational corporations." After the final hymn Mr Gusher thanked the Laboured opposition for their attendance. "I notice some of you have attitude", he said referring to the various positions of official protocol assumed by Laboured MPs: Laboured Leader Hyman Spleen down on one knee in the yielding position; his shadow treasurer Bark Loathsome standing behind holding a sign with "CHOOSE ME" and a phone number on it. Following the pray meeting Mr Spleen told the media outside — where demonstrators against Mr Gusher had been democratically allowed to protest 20 kilometres away on the outskirts of the national capital — that protocol meant nobody was really opposed to Mr Gusher's visit. Asked about the millions of people who had marched against Australia's involvement in the war, Mr Spleen said, "They're obviously a bunch of nobodies." Meanwhile, during the course of their investigations our correspondents were contacted by a mystery whistleblower known only as Mr Potato Head, who arranged a meeting with them in the toilet block of Old Parliament House. The informer, who appeared in a Mr Potato Head mask, told our correspondents he wanted to "give them the dirt" from "inside the corridors of power". His voice distorted by the mask, Mr Potato Head told how war on terrorism was an impossibility. "And they know it", he said proceeding to give a brief history. "Terrorism is as old as politics, and that is quite old. Terrorism is not a people, a nation, a religion, a tribe, a political organisation or a movement. Terrorism is a political tactic. So Gusher, Coward and British Prime Minister Toby Blat say they are waging endless war on a tactic. But the result of this war so far is the invasion and occupation of two countries. "The reasons given for these wars were the pursuit of terror suspect Balsamic Vinegar in Afghanistan, and claims of WMD (widespread mutual disgust) in Iraq aimed at the USA and its allies. Neither Balsamic Vinegar nor WMD have been found, although as a result of the wars there's plenty of WMD now, which of course increases the chances of terror attacks. People can thank Gusher, Coward and Blat for that." At this point the sound of a flushing toilet caused Mr Potato Head to withdraw into the shadows cast by the urinals. "I will contact you again soon", he said exiting through a disused sewage pipe. "When I say 'from effluent, flowers grow', you will reply `polite patrons point Percy at the porcelain' and we will know it is us." Elsewhere, all is not going well in the ruling Libel Party. Adding to the revelations of a bogus war on a tactic, are the ructions in the blue ribbon Libel seat of Moneysworth, where Libel president Merchant Bullbar is busy branch stacking with the objective of getting the numbers so as to buy his way into Parliament as the Moneysworth sitting member. Our correspondents spoke to a number of people in the electorate. "I was coming out of the cinema in Double Pay when this bloke approached me", one of them said. "He was wearing a button on his shirt that said 'Ram Bullbar into Parliament'. He asked me to join the Libel Party, and I said 'I'm a Laboured member'. He said `It doesn't matter', so I said `I don't want to pay the $16 membership', and he said 'We'll pay the $16 membership'." Asked by our correspondents if he was branch stacking, Mr Bullbar claimed to be merely recruiting. "My philosophy — and I don't believe this cuts across the general thrust of Libel values — is that the Libel Party can't have enough rich, arrogant windbags trying to knock off the rich arrogant windbags in the leadership". "Look at me, a millionaire financier and ruthless opportunist with an unshakable belief in the principle that there are those who are born to rule. The problem with the current member for Moneysworth is he's been deluded into thinking that just because people voted for him in an election he has some sort of tenure. "He's living in the last century. Ask any public servant or university academic and they'll tell you tenure has been replaced by the corporate ethos of the powerful killing and eating the weak — and sometimes their own young, if they happen to threaten profit margins or one's own personal wealth." In addition there have been the revelations of a conflict of interest by the former Minister for the Privatisation of Telstra and the ABC, Dicky Dialtone. Mr Dialtone has blamed his mother for the pile of Telstra shares in the family trust, saying that she has kept him in the dark since he was a small boy. "I did say that the privatisation of Telstra was for mums and dads. And, as all mothers are wont to do, her share market advisors, stockbrokers, accountants and investment portfolio consultants — completely without my knowledge — must have told her to buy them. "You might well say that because it is a family trust and my money is in it too that it is ludicrous for me to claim that I didn't know. "But let me tell you, one Christmas when I was a little boy I caught her taking the lollies out of my stocking and putting them in hers", he said indignantly. "I don't want to raise the 'candy from a baby' analogy, but I ask you, what kind of person takes candy from a baby?"